Oliver

The last few years have brought about so many new emotions for me.

I completely thought I was done having children when I reached 40 and went so far as to schedule an appointment to decide which one of us would get "fixed". Much to our surprise we found out I was pregnant with Sawyer at that appointment which was one week after my 40th birthday. I had been pouring my heart and soul into my career. My youngest step-daughter had just turned 18 and P and I thought we were free to pursue a future just the two of us.

Although Sawyer was a total surprise, we adore him and wouldn't change anything about him. I gave up my career and decided I wanted to be a stay at home mom this time around. Shortly after he was born I knew I wanted him to have a sibling close in age. Someone he could grow up with and share memories with once P and I are gone.

An agonizing 15 months later I finally got pregnant again. Due to my age we had an nt scan at 12 weeks which showed our baby had slight thickening of the back of the neck. Feeling like we needed to be prepared, we had a cvs test done that day. One week later I received a call from my ob. Our little boy was chromosomally normal. I remember sitting in the bathroom while Sawyer took a bath, crying with relief. Our boy was ok and we could share the news with our families.

P's family was excited and supportive as always and so were 2 of my sisters. My mom and other sister asked me if this was a good idea. WTF?! Of course this is a good idea! I was getting the family that I had dreamed of years ago.

In August we took vacation first to see my family and then Ps. This was a very exhausting trip and I was never so happy to get home. Two days later our world would be turned upside down and home wasn't a comfort this time.

September 2nd, 2009 - I woke up excited to go see our baby boy "Oliver". We had an ultrasound appointment to check his heart development. I remember being especially hot that morning and wondering if this was going to be the new norm for me. I was always hot when I was pregnant with Sawyer but so far with Oliver I was usually cold.

We were called into the u/s room and got set up. The tech asked me if I had any cramps or spotting since the cvs. I proudly declared "no, everything has been great". She showed us the baby and I knew she wasn't picking up his heartbeat. After a few minutes she excused herself and said she would be right back. I am not sure how long it was but it felt like an eternity before she entered again with the doctor. Dr. H asked the same questions about spotting and cramping. My answer was still the same. He took the u/s wand and confirmed my worst nightmare. Oliver was dead. My heart broke into a million pieces and my mind raced with questions.

When? - It appears that he died just a few days into our vacation. I was suppose to be 16 weeks but he was only measuring 14 weeks.

Now What? - I couldn't understand how my body still thought I was pregnant. I knew we needed to get Oliver out but didn't know how. It was decided that I should have a D&C. My ob was going on vacation later on that day but she met with me and explained what would happen. She referred me to another ob that would actually do the surgery.

Why, How?

I will probably never know the answers to Why or How but I sure did blame myself. I never had caffeine when I was pregnant with Tyler or Sawyer but I did occasionally with Oliver. Did that kill him? I flew in both of my previous pregnancies but was it just too much this time? I went down a small water slide at the hotel, did that cause it? I drank a non-alcoholic beer in NY with dinner one night, and the list in my head went on and on.

I had the D&C the next day and physically was fine. Emotionally I was destroyed. I cried endlessly and couldn't eat or sleep. I sought a grief counselor and slowly began to regain control again. My ob said we could try again after a month so that became my new focus. It wouldn't bring Oliver back but I still wanted to give Sawyer a sibling.

And so it begins

A couple of weeks ago I started working with my chiropractor to find out what is going on with my body. 13 1/2 years ago I became very ill. Doctors could not figure out what was wrong with me. After 4 months of various antibiotics, massive doctor bills and gaining an unwanted 40 lbs, I gave up on traditional medicine and finally got rid of my cough from hell. I would love to say that I was all better but the reality was that my body had changed. From that time on, I would struggle with my weight and my energy levels.

During the years I have tried dieting and exercising but nothing seems to work. My body has been in fight or flight mode for way to long and it is really taking a toll on me. My new plan of attack involves several supplements, acupressure and blogging along with diet and exercise.

Through this blog you will read about all of the emotional baggage that has been weighing me down and preventing me from being the healthy person I long to be.